What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 09:10
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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I was scared of men, in general
And i lived it daily.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So, i spoilt her more .
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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She was in good health!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When she asked me how she looked .
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She wouldn,t have been !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do I smell bad even though I have good hygiene?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I couldn’t, believe it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But, we were locked up after school.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Was to survive, this bastard.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Comes on , in middle age.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I said to her
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It was going to be , some day.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I will be 64.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My life is so biszare .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was 9 years of age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot live in the past .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We were not on the streets..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My family never makes their pension either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
All the time i was locked up.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She loved him until the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She married twice! .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was very sick at this time too.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I have no regrets .
Ive learnt so much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was seconnd youngest,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She found it foreign!.
What did i know ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He knew the spot.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I think the readers, may guess!
I don,t even have a pension.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Would this be the day?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!